Yesterday, with my medical mask in hand, hopped up on allergy meds and thanks to sweet friends doubling as chauffeurs, I left the house and went to the movies.

When your immune system is going crazy this is no small feat. But, I was #LivingMyBestGrandmaLife in seat J-4, wearing the long-sleeved sweater and blanket I smuggled in my giant tote bag, loving every minute of Crazy Rich Asians.

A Game of Chicken

In the film, the main character, Rachel, travels to Singapore to meet, her boyfriend, Nick’s “crazy rich” family.  His fam isn’t thrilled with the match and they make that abundantly clear.

Rachel talks with a friend, Goh Peik Lin, to try and figure out what to do.

Does she just give in to the pressure and walk away from this amazing guy… or does she fight?

Through their conversation, she realizes Nick’s family is pushing her around “playing a game of chicken” with her to see if they can scare her off.

Will she run or stand her ground?

This is a common occurrence in my life — the fear induced crossroads thing, not the gorgeous wealthy Asian dreamboat whose family disapproves of me despite my awesomeness thing.

Most of my life has been shaped in some way by a similar “game” I play with my fears. But, I often give in and get pushed around.

Crazy Good Point

Goh Peik Lin gives her friend some great advice and tells her to face her accusers down. To press in. Be brave. Fight for what she wants! She even turns the phrase “Bok! Bok!” into an empowering battle cry for Rachel.

In that moment, I sensed a little nudge in my heart — I would call it God’s voice, you might call it your conscience — saying,

“What have you missed out on by caving into fear, pressure and your insecurities?”

This proverbial life “mic drop” wasn’t an accusatory thing or a shame thing, but an honest question to think about.

What have I missed out on — in becoming the woman I was made to be and in life in general— by not fighting and facing things head on?

It was a call out of fear and a call into facing lies and insecurities head on — to not let them win or keep me from the life I was made for.

It’s time for me to dust off the metaphorical boxing gloves!

Bok – Bok! 

Rachel Chu: She’s like trying to play a game of chicken with me, thinking I’m going to swerve like a chicken.
Goh Peik Lin: But you can’t swerve, you’re going to roll off and be like…
Rachel Chu: Bok-bok, [B]
Goh Peik Lin: Okay, maybe like not as aggressive

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P.S. If you haven’t heard the FABULOUS soundtrack, take a listen!

On my 18th birthday, one of my friends brought to my attention that, in addition to being able to vote and legally purchase cigarettes,

“You’ll be 30 in 12 years!”

I. Felt. Sick!

But, 12 years later, when that fateful day came, I was excited and hopeful for the big 3-0!

Some amazing women, who had already started walking down the road of their third decade, shared with me:

“Your 30’s are the best!”

“You’ve figured out more of who you are and who you are not and really start to live that out.”

And so far, cracks and all, I’d agree with them.

You’re 30’s are great and tomorrow I will be thigh high in mine.

On the “eve” of my 34th birthday, — 34 is “thigh high” because 35 seems more “waist deep” to me — I find myself in an interesting place.

This season of life is just plain hard.

I’m up to my neck in the limits of my body, being made more aware of the cracks in my character, and finding myself often mad at or avoiding God.

I realize that may sound a little weird if you think God is about as real as a unicorn, but it’s true.

Sometimes, I try my hardest to distract myself <cough, cough Netflix, Amazon and chocolate chip cookies> from God and the pain of my current reality.

But, throughout the day — via friends, books, “random” thoughts and even episodes of my latest British television show binge — I’m brought back to real life and God gently reminds me: He sees me, hurts with me and is there when I’m ready to come to Him.

^“We’re not giving up… Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart… on the inside… God is making new life.”

So, in an effort to not give up, to be more present and try to see the “something” new God is doing, for the next 34 days — the first 34 days of my 34th year — I’m going to write.

And, even though the idea of intentionally writing a blog right now makes me wanna vom*:

This. Is. Happening! 

Here’s to the next 34 days! 😳 🍻

-Deanna

“The older you get, the better you get. Unless you are a banana.” — Betty White

* Vom = vomit for my friends who don’t get down with abbreviations.