If I was ever to host a primetime awards show or decide stand-up was for me, I would use those platforms to bring light to this potty paradox. But, since both seem unlikely, I wrote this instead:
Dearest Ladies who Hover,
Women I know and love — sisters, mothers, and friends.
First off, I don’t judge your choice.
I affirm you and your hover-dom in public restrooms. We’ve all found ourselves playing a round of “Stall Door Roulette” to only have it end in horrors we wish could be unseen.
Germs are gross and people’s exit behavior of the commode leaves much to be desired.
Here’s what I don’t get.
If you choose to stand and straddle as a way to avoid grossness, why — DEAR GOD WHY — do you yourselves leave a mess behind?
There are few things worse in life, then when you sit down to answer nature’s call and are left to wonder if the “hover-agette” who used the stall before you was hopping on one foot with her eyes closed.
I know things happen. I know this is not all of you. I even know that I need to look before I “leap.” But, please hear the cry of your sisters who prefer to sit:
SURVEY THE SCENE AND KEEP IT CLEAN!
We all have our role to play in eliminating public restroom grossness, but I believe as women if we work together…